Do You Should On Yourself?

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I mean who doesn’t?

Let’s back up. I have been fascinated with shoulding and yesterday I decided to do some research. How does one who is not a researcher start researching you might ask? Well we Google it. 

YEP, I TURNED TO GOOGLE. 

I typed: 

Definition of Should

Here’s what came up:

SHo͝od,SHəd/ verb

1. used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone's actions.

"he should have been careful"

Obligation.

Let that sink in. How does obligation make you feel? Seriously…how does obligation feel?

Of course there are all sorts of shoulds and obligations one must meet as a responsible adult. You should feed your pets, children, any living thing you are responsible for and of course yourself on a regular basis.

In my research I also found another blog (one among many…apparently I wasn’t the only one interested in this topic)

The Simple Marriage (http://simplemarriage.net/stop-shoulding/ ) post that captured it perfectly:

Should-ing yourself can come in two forms:

1.Doing what you think others expect you to do, or the “right” thing despite what your hopes, your conscience, and your gut may be telling you. This is often rooted in a sense of guilt or in a hope of gaining approval from others.

2.You relive past mistakes over and over again, saying, “I should have done this” or “I should have done that.”

Whatever your specific “shoulds” are they all add up to the same message — however

you currently are, you’re not good enough.

That last one is a tough one to swallow.

You’re not good enough.

Have you ever been there? Where you have felt you are not good enough? Seriously, in a time when we have access to more images, success stories and information, who hasn’t felt inferior in one-way or another?

Or have you felt like you need to do the “right” thing, even if the “right” thing goes against how you want to feel?

Shoulding ourselves can prevent us from going after what we really want. It keeps us “safe” from really exploring what we want (which by the way is not a selfish way of being) and stops us from stepping into our own greatness.

The list of shoulds is long and not only do we should on ourselves but on others too.

For some reason, shoulding on others is an easy habit to get into. Let’s be real…we all have opinions on what someone else should be doing. This gal, she’s G-U-I–L-T-Y. 

G-U-I-L-T-Y

I have made some harsh judgments and have shoulded all over people. Sometimes to their face and sometimes…yes, behind their backs. Ouch. That doesn’t feel good to type that. It actually feels pretty bad. 

What I’ve come to learn is that shoulding on someone is often a way to make our judgments and opinions valid. It almost makes us feel better about our own insecurities. If we can should on someone else, it must mean we are good enough…or at least better than our shoulding victim.

So now what?

Well you should follow these next steps…

did you see what I did there?  

Just kidding.

But here are a couple of things I’ve done to shed my should*:

  • I became more aware of where my should is coming from & I check my intentions.
  •  I have a choice. I have a choice of the words I use towards others and myself.
  • I know how I want to feel and I make decisions that help me to live the life I want to live both personally and professionally.
  • As soon as I should (sometimes even before) on someone else, I try to stop myself.
  •  Remind myself…I am enough.
  • Everyone is on a journey
  • This is my ultimate…wait for it…. Be gentle to yourself. And others.

You have a choice. What question will you ask yourself to stop the shoulding cycle.

*I'm not perfect...I'm in progress 

Imagine the possibilities

Have you been shoulding yourself for so long that you can’t imagine stopping? Let’s connect.